For the past two months I’ve been playing a game of peek-a-boo with God.
Haha. I know, sounds weird. But let me explain:
My prayer life was great. Awesome, even. I was reading my Bible, attending numerous Catholic events, and had a steady prayer life. Of course, there’s always room for improvement, but at the time – I was content.
And that’s the problem: I was content. I was content with remaining where I was. I was content with doing the same thing over and over again. The same prayers, the same readings, the same….everything. I slowly but surely became disenchanted with God. I felt like He wasn’t truly present, and that ladies and gentlemen, is where I was wrong.
In increments I saw my spiritual life fade away. First I stopped praying in the morning. Then, I became to busy for personal prayer all together. No more Sacred Scripture. Less and less time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Skipped meetings with my spiritual director. The list goes on.
It wasn’t that I was no longer Catholic. I still believed that Jesus was my Savior. I still believed in the Holy Trinity, and in the true presence of the Blessed Sacrament. The thing was that I had stopped feeding my spiritual life. We all need food to take on the day. We have a meal three times a day, and snacks, even, in between each meal. So why was it that I was skipping my spiritual meals?
I would make excuses along the lines of being too busy, or not being able to find the time. However, it’s on the busiest days that you need Jesus the most. I did not reconcile with that fact.
Instead I covered my eyes, thinking that if I couldn’t see God, He wasn’t there.
That, my friends, is the greatest lie of all.
God is always present. He is always with us. Just because we don’t “feel” His love does not mean He isn’t giving it to us. He is ALWAYS giving us His love. There would be no way that I could be breathing, typing out this post, if He wasn’t continually thinking of me and loving me.
What I needed was to stop playing hide-and-seek. I needed to make the conscious choice to go to God; I needed to be willing to let Him into my life more and more each day. How selfish I was, thinking that God was going to come down, every day, and give me “feelings” that would help sustain my spiritual life. The “feelings” phase is the initial phase. Those feelings help you and encourage you to take your faith seriously, and to grab it with both hands. They are not there to coddle you, and make life easy.
Perhaps that doesn’t make sense. Or perhaps it does. Either way, I’ve done my share of running away from His love. Now it’s time to run TO Him.